do you love me enough?

I've been trying to write about you.

But nothing that I write is anything that you want to hear. and I'm sorry for that and I know you don't want to hear that and I know I shouldn't even tell you that but you know me and you know that I love you I love you I love you but you also know that when something's wrong, I push it aside till it consumes me and for no reason at all, I don't like how many people know that little secret about me, but I don't mind that you do of course, let's just hope that no one ever uses it against me because it is a curse. So I guess what I am trying to say is that this is me trying to handle issues in front of me and not when they burst. I don't think that it's working out that well but I think a lot of depends on you and I love you I love you I love you but I think that it's not going to be easy. It's gonna be really really hard but I just want you to really really trust me when I say that I have had this before and I know what I'm talking about. I can see what is happening on my end and I can feel the tension in my self and I don't want that with you because you are my freedom. You are my peace. You make me lighter. and you make me laugh and you change the subject and you help me kite run away from my problems sometimes which helps me realize that there is so much more in this world than the life I am living.
There is you.
And "you" is reassuring.
So, it's like that again. Because I can breathe better when you're with me but those times are too short and too scarce and it doesn't balance out in my life at all because I have so much. too much. going on that you don't see and that you can't be there for and I don't like that. Because I like the saying "Go big or go home" and I do that in not only my relationships but with the friendships that matter to me. and you matter to me SO MUCH. I love you a lot and I want to show you that love but I cannot. I cannot. not right now at least.
I feel like I've tried to say this before but I guess in a different way, but do you love me enough to let me go? Do you care enough about any sort of a chance at all later to save it for then?
Please love me enough to let me go.
Because I love you more than enough.

Hey Sarah Loveday

Thanks for liking my blog. Well, thanks for loving it.

Seriously, you've been a huge chunk of the reason I even keep writing.

But, I'm so sorry. I can't say who I am. Because basically... I am a lie.

Yep. This entire blog is basically bull crap, but I meant every word.

This blog was never meant to be about truth, it was supposed to be a writing project for myself and a different side of me. I wanted to see if I could write from a whole different perspective than I'm used to and, honestly, I have loved it.

These words that come from Benji Shell are honest and some of them are straight quotes. They're just not from me.

I lied to Nelson about who I am and I lied to a lot of people at first actually but the truth is is that I am not Benji at all. He's a mixture of two things but mostly Benji is in love with me.

I sound crazy... I'm just incapable of being fully honest with you because we're friends in real life and all of my different selves worship you. I don't want you to hate me when you find out who I am.

"The man who is behind it is one of the most honest men I've had the pleasure of reading about."

And he is. A huge part (the best part) of Benji is one of the most real, most honest people that I believe has ever walked this earth, but I am not him. 

I'm so sorry if I've been a huge disappointment to you. I never thought Benji would go anywhere and because of you, I feel like he has.

Thank you so much for everything, Sarah.

I'm not sure that I can continue Benji after this but we'll see.

Thanks again,

Benji Shell