do you love me enough?

I've been trying to write about you.

But nothing that I write is anything that you want to hear. and I'm sorry for that and I know you don't want to hear that and I know I shouldn't even tell you that but you know me and you know that I love you I love you I love you but you also know that when something's wrong, I push it aside till it consumes me and for no reason at all, I don't like how many people know that little secret about me, but I don't mind that you do of course, let's just hope that no one ever uses it against me because it is a curse. So I guess what I am trying to say is that this is me trying to handle issues in front of me and not when they burst. I don't think that it's working out that well but I think a lot of depends on you and I love you I love you I love you but I think that it's not going to be easy. It's gonna be really really hard but I just want you to really really trust me when I say that I have had this before and I know what I'm talking about. I can see what is happening on my end and I can feel the tension in my self and I don't want that with you because you are my freedom. You are my peace. You make me lighter. and you make me laugh and you change the subject and you help me kite run away from my problems sometimes which helps me realize that there is so much more in this world than the life I am living.
There is you.
And "you" is reassuring.
So, it's like that again. Because I can breathe better when you're with me but those times are too short and too scarce and it doesn't balance out in my life at all because I have so much. too much. going on that you don't see and that you can't be there for and I don't like that. Because I like the saying "Go big or go home" and I do that in not only my relationships but with the friendships that matter to me. and you matter to me SO MUCH. I love you a lot and I want to show you that love but I cannot. I cannot. not right now at least.
I feel like I've tried to say this before but I guess in a different way, but do you love me enough to let me go? Do you care enough about any sort of a chance at all later to save it for then?
Please love me enough to let me go.
Because I love you more than enough.

After Bite

Being passionate comes with a price. And sometimes I don't think the reward is worth it. Because I hate drama drama drama. And people laugh and nod their heads in agreement but there's a deeper reason I despise the awful stuff and that reason is you.
That "you", I guess, I directed towards everyone because I don't trust anyone but myself anymore.
Because I'm sick of roller coasters and mystery and the constant quiver between hope for a new day and eternal let-down.

I want to put every sentence in parenthesis (because I'm scared of saying something I don't mean).
People are tracking too close to what I say and my tongue is getting tired of having to talk such heavy words.
I want to yell simple, meaningless nothings every once in a while and have someone around to listen to them.

But things are too heavy.

I want to capture everything in quotations "because I just don't believe it anymore".
I want to be the gullible girl some more. That ended too early. I want to believe too easily and have everyone laugh when I look to the ceiling once again and see that your name still isn't written on it.
I want to laugh at myself for believing again.

But the jokes aren't funny anymore.

Once again I loved too easily. I believed too soon. I laid all my weight upon the fault line. And even my strong hope couldn't stop the earth from shaking. And for that I am mad at myself and my weak soul.

I can say one thing without any sort of uncertainty. That I need someone to lift me. Even if it's just for a little while.
I am so sick of the heavy that, this time, I know I just can't ignore.

I guess I had to learn someday that popcorn burns fast if you're not watching it closely and that vampires aren't even real and their bites only poison some and that I guess my brother-in-law was right and all people who drive trucks really are douchebags and maybe Las Vegas really was too far of a drive anyways and the magic we talked about was all just glitter and dust.
I guess I learned.
But oh how I loved my niavety.