Blocks

I don't like to listen to music with head phones. I feel like I could be blocking things that might be trying to get in.

I always wanted to climb over these mountains and find the world waiting for me on the other side. I still wanna get across the lake and see my life from the other side. But my body's blocking me from going fast and everything else is blocking me from going anywhere.

It's like I can see it through this plastic floor, but I can't feel it. I can't touch it.

My parents are the biggest blocks.
I try to do things abnormally. I don't know, some sort of lame attempt at being a rebel I guess.
I tried not cutting my toenails for a few weeks.
I woke up early, sat outside and read my book.
I tried walking outside barefoot in the snow.

I know that if she were here she would've told me to run out in my boxers in the snow. And I would have wanted to do it too. Right now, I think I would do it.
How can somebody block so much but let in something completely new at the same time?


But nothing about her ways are logical. I can't read anything on her.
I can't predict a single step and that drives me crazy.
That's good. That's bad.
That's good. No, that's bad.
That's good. That's bad.
That's not good. That's bad.
That's bad. No, that's good.
That's good. No, that's bad.
That's good. That's bad.
That's bad. No, it's not.
That's good. That's bad.
That's good. No, that's not good.
I think it's fine. I think it's kinda nice.
You shouldn't. Shut up.

Predictable is safe.
I bet I could find a nice somebody someday and we could go out to dinner and see a movie every friday night. She'd kiss me at all the right times. We could tuck our kids in together every night and we could sit down and talk out our problems. I'd work from 9 to 5. She'd do the dishes and have dinner ready. And she'd kiss me on the cheek when I'd walk through the door.
Whatever.


It's like it's all building to block me from life.
and I'm just trying to decide what was meant to be done about it.

Because maybe God's hoping I won't break through it.
     But maybe he's waiting for me to try.